Retirement Fun

(origin unknown)

A few days ago, a friend of mine sent me a ‘Vietnam Veteran’ hat. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to the local Walmart. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Vietnam Vet?”

“No.” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that hat?”

“Because I couldn’t find my hat from the War of 1812.” I thought that it was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812, huh? When was that?”

I couldn’t pass this up. “1936.”

He thought about it for a moment and replied, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it.” This was beginning to be way too fun.

“Dude! Really! How did you get to do something that cool?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, then leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude!” He was really getting excited about what he was hearing. “That is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”

The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen, man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still top secret and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” He gave me the ‘don’t threaten me’ look. “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”

With a really hard look, I said, “You have a family, don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was, and fled through the door.

By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another deadly serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car, and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Who said retirement can’t be fun?

Tomorrow, I’m going back with a ‘Homeland Security’ hat.